Can People Change? The Ten Change Requirements
82Can People Change?
Interesting question isn’t it, and don’t tell me you’ve never asked it before. Think for a moment. Ask yourself, “Have you really changed over the years?”
Chances are you’ll say something like, “Yes, in some ways, but not in others.” Now ask yourself, “How many people do you know who have really changed over the time that you’ve known them?” Chances are you won’t think of many. I’ve noticed over my years of consulting that people are far more likely to credit themselves with the ability to change than they are others.
Of course, for some, not changing is considered a sign of strength. Staying constant shows stability and reliability. Why make unnecessary changes? Perhaps it’s an expectation we have living in a world where truisms like, “Change is inevitable” and “Change is constant” abound. We’re expected to be able to adapt, learn, grow, and at times, we’re expected to be able to eliminate unwanted habits and behaviours and replace them with more desired ones. So maybe the question should be, “How many people do you know who have changed after saying that they needed or wanted to?”
The question of whether people can change is an important one in relationships and in the workplace. Performance appraisals and evaluations would be rather pointless if people weren’t able to make use of the feedback that they were given. Of course, there are people who do claim that these exercises are pointless, and that the trick is to get the right people straight away rather than wasting time attempting to force square pegs into round holes.
The question regarding the possibility of change is complicated by the fact that people argue over what constitutes real change. Is a change in behaviour a significant change, or are changes in thinking and even personality what’s needed to qualify for “real” change. After all, people do seem to fall back into old habits, especially when they’re trying to change for somebody else. How long does a change have to last in order to count as a change?
Sufficient self-help and motivational instruction books have been written about this topic to denude half the world’s rainforests. Enough already! I’m going to answer the question once and for all. Think of it as my contribution to end Global Warming.
YES, people can change, BUT only some of them and only some of the time. From my experience, there are 10 key factors required for people to change. The more any of these factors are missing, the less likely it will be for change to happen. In order to change people must:
1) Be aware of the need for change
2) Want to change
3) Possess a sense of curiosity
4) Have the ability to self-reflect and be self-aware
5) Be open to feedback (the absence of defensiveness)
6) Know what specifically needs to change and what will replace it
7) Understand how to change
8) Receive constructive feedback throughout the change process
9) Be given emotional support and encouragement throughout the change process
10) Gain some kind of personal reward (reinforcement) from having changed
If all, or at least most, of those factors are in place for people, change is indeed possible. The longer the change lasts, the greater the likelihood of the change becoming a part of who they are, and then they won’t have to keep concentrating on maintaining it. But you can see from reading this list why change can be so difficult to achieve.
The two factors of them all that seem critical to the capacity to change is the presence of a sense of curiosity and the ability to self-reflect and be self-aware. Some people have an innate curiosity about the world and that greatly aids them in making changes. It could be argued that generally we all start off being curious and then many of us seem to lose it, but once lost, curiosity seems very hard to retrieve. And I strongly recommend managers include job interview questions which invite candidates to share times when they’ve thought about their thoughts and made a belief change or a change in their way of thinking. Self-aware and self-reflective people are for more likely to be able to adapt and make tough personal changes.
An Executive friend of mine claims that only 10% of people are capable of real change. He figures it’s much better to find out what his people are good at and have them focus on that, rather than waste time and resources trying to change them into something they’re not. That’s a good strategy especially if you have the Human Resources available to fill in the gaps, but perhaps not always possible.
If it’s critical to you that a person you’re relating with make some changes in order for the relationship to work, (either professionally or personally) think of all the factors that need to be present for change to occur. Consider the advice of my friend, and the possibility that you need to accept that the person you’re dealing with may not be a good fit, or perhaps is a great fit in a role with different expectations.
On the other hand, knowing and applying the requirements for change can make it much easier for people to create the changes they want (if that’s truly what they want).
If you found this article interesting or even helpful, I'd appreciate it if you thanked me by clicking onto the Google ads on this page which will give me a tiny tip!
For more assistance call Theo Selles, M.Sc. 647-686-0116 or visit my website www.integrityworks.ca. Straightforward solutions to complex problems
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I hope my article will help you. Good luck.
Thanks for that. My boyfriend seems to have changed since he met me. He was horrible to some of his ex's. He does have anger issues and is doing an anger management course. He seems to have all the factors to change and he deals with his anger a lot better with me when i make him angry then he ever has before.
You need to be VERY careful about this. Your boyfriend (as do you) need to understand that HE is responsible for whether he becomes angry or not. No one MAKES someone angry. If he can't control and be responsible for his own anger, and if it is your responsibility whether he becomes angry or not, it is just a small step to say that you are responsible for what he does when he is angry.
Does this pertain to how people think and their preferences on things as well? I grew up in a segregated home with a lot of tension and always seemed to be bullied when I was a little kid and I feel like that has had an effect on my self confidence and trust towards people. Lately I have been trying to have a different outlook on life and blame my past for how I am now, but it is hard. This effects my daily relationships with people and really does not give me a chance to connect to friends and family on a genuine level. I guess I put on a good front because people always say that I talk a lot and have a lot of friends, but I don't feel it. I would love to hear you input on this. THanks
Hi Brandon,
What a great self-reflective and honest letter. Thank you for writing it.
Yes, I do believe that these principles apply to changes within people. I've done a lot of writing and talking on bullying, and was bullied myself as a child, so I appreciate where you're coming from. You might be interested in reading a Hub I wrote about building trust as well.
Think of thoughts as behaviours that we have control over. Often people don't think of thoughts that way, but if you think about it, you can choose what you think. This is at the heart of Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy, and perhaps it would help if you found a counsellor experienced in it to assist you in your efforts to change.
Don't ever let someone (either from your past or present) have power over who you think you are and how you feel. When you were young perhaps you took to heart the hurtful things that people did and said, and maybe that shook your confidence in yourself. Understand your past, think of the negative messages you received from others then, and replace those messages with new ones based on what you know about yourself now. It can be hard, but it can also be very rewarding.
I admire you for your efforts to change your life and how you feel about yourself and others. What you are trying to do is very possible to achieve and I wish you all the best in doing so. Let me know if I can help in any way.
You can do this. Build in the elements of change from my article and follow the trust formula in my trust Hub ("How to Rebuld Trust: A Simple Formula") and you will see results. (Let me know what you think of that Hub, by the way. I'll bet you find it useful.)
Take care,
Theo
Sorry, I see I made a spelling error. The title of my Hub on trust is: "How to Rebuild Trust: A Simple Formula". That Hub takes a complex topic and boils it down to some very basic simple components. Enjoy.
Thank you Theo Selles. I will definitely check out your hub for that. I go through years of ups and downs always coming to realize how much my past can haunt me the more I think about it and the more I live my life the more time I waste thinking about it. I have been recently learning how to focus myself so that my emotions don't go there but it is hard. Figuring out your life by yourself is not too easy so I have been journaling so that I can keep track of where I am. BUt I like what you said that thoughts are behaviors we have control over. I never saw it like that before and so I will try that. I am 25 right now do you think a person at that age can really change or do you think that that is old already. Lately I have been doing a lot of positive self talk so that I can alter my mind to convince that I am confident. I just started it so Ill see where it takes me. Thank you so much for your input. Are you a psychologist?
Hi Brandon,
Thanks for the note.
Twenty Five is hardly too old to change, in fact it's a great age to learn and grow. You are young enough to have abundant energy, and you have lots of time to exlore different ideas.
As for positive self-talk, that works, if you go beyond just the verbal part. I always say that self-esteem is earned and you can't just talk yourself into it. For example, if you are someone who doesn't care much about others, doesn't give much back to society, and doesn't do much with your time other than watch TV and play video games, you likely won't have high self-esteem, no matter how much you tell yourself that you're a good person who should feel good about himself. A part of you would always know that you were bullshitting yourself with your "positive self-affirmations."
But, if you thought about the values you have and what you stood for. If you identified principles to live by (like kindness, effort, honesty, compassion, humour etc.) and then made a conscious effort to live by them, and you checked in with yourself and others as to whether you were doing so, you would gain self-esteem because you in fact earned the right to it. And, you would be more likely to recognize the negative putdowns of others as crap because you would know differently about yourself. You would have good reason to feel pride and confidence and you'd be stronger and better at resisting the influence of people who call you names or treat you badly. Does that make sense?
(I'm a Family Therapist.)
Theo
Yes, I understand Theo. That does make sense. I am actually a very active person in my church community and go to school full time for marketing management and work full time. I however always feel feel a sense of detachment from others and feel like I am not enjoying life as much just because I don't feel connected to the people I am around. Im not sure if it is just in my head or if it is just how I was raised up. I lived with a step father in the same house that I had not talked to for 8 years because of tension in the house. I never grew up with a real dad and feel as if I feel a sense of emotional detachment with others. Does this stem back from trust? Thanks
Hi Brandon,
There's a book about this that I recommend you read. It is: "Awakening from the Deep Sleep : A Powerful Guide for Courageous Men" by Robert Pascik. You can order it through Amazon. I don't know if Hub Pages supports links in these dialogues but here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0062506501?tag=theguideto
I can't answer your question for you about whether it all stems from trust, but clearly if you've been hurt and have learned to protect yourself by closing yourself up you may have established a way of relating to people that keeps them at arms length. Love and intimacy are amazing, but they come with risk. The more you open up to closeness the more you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Both the risks and rewards are high and we all need to determine for ourselves if the rewards are worth the risk. I personally believe that they are but I can't decide that for you.
I suggest you give that book a read and get back to me if you wish.
All the best.
Theo
Hi Mr. Selles, I had a long discussion with a friend about people and the definition of change. She believes people can only evolve and grow, not actually "change". That their behaviors may change but them as a person only evolved and grew. She said people always have it in them to change behaviors, beliefs etc. But them as a person only evolved never changed. Something else about people and layers...Any thoughts? Thank you! I really appreciate it.
Hi Melissa,
Thanks for reading and for the note. Sounds like it was an interesting conversation.
I'm not sure about the distinction your friend is making between growth/evolution and change. To me, any difference is change. We change as we grow and age physically and we have the opportunity to grow/evolve/change in wisdom/awareness/behaviour as well. Some of us seem more equipped to do so, and some of us are more motivated to do so.
I'm not sure about her comment about people being layered and how that relates to change. Maybe we do grow like trees or onions, every once in a while adding a layer. I like the idea of us learning to reflect upon our different layers and performing mental surgery on them to adjust/change who we are. We are an interesting species in that we can time travel; we can revisit key past events like abuse and reinterpret them from an older and more knowledgeable perspective. In doing so we can change our ideas about ourselves and the world we live in. We can learn, for example, that we were not responsible for the abuse we endured and that we do not have to live with shame and that we are lovable and worth being protected. In that way we change ourselves and we might trust loving others and change our behaviour accordingly.
Personally, I believe that we can change for the worse or for the better. Hopefully the change we initiate and embrace is one that benefits both ourselves and others. Whether you call that evolution, growth, or change doesn't really seem to matter to me.
What do you think?
Theo
Thank you for all your input Theo. I will take everything that you said into consideration and look up your books. Your words were much appreciated.
Hello Theo,
My name is Leah, and I am the very person who had the discussion with Melissa about this topic. When she told me about the thread that was started, I could not resist visiting your page to explain on my perspective a little further.
I will begin by stating that my opinion is based on the denotation of the verbs “change” and “evolve”, which are “to make the form, nature, content future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone” and “to develop gradually” respectively, according to dictionary.com. I believe people go through experiences, situations and circumstances that will shape behavior and accentuate personality traits, but the fundamental aspect of that person’s identity is a constant; if you reflect upon the last five years of your life, can you say you are a different person? You probably have more experiences, different aspirations, goals achieved, but that very core of who you remains the same.
To take your example of a tree: yes, a tree’s leaves will change and adapt to the season, but if one was to cut a tree and examine the core of it, the origin is the same. In fact, one may see the rings of time grow and evolve from the point of origin. The tree’s exterior may change with time as it adapts to it’s environment, but the fundamental part of the tree is resilient and built upon. In this analogy, ideas, actions and behaviors are like the leaves that are subject to environment, circumstance and the ebb and flow of life. However, it does not negate the tree is the tree it was as a sapling, which can be seen upon it’s death.
In my perspective, to believe that I change is very limiting and makes my experience as a human inconsequential. To say that in five years from now I will not have the identity I have makes the actions I do today seem meaningless; what good is it to do things when it doesn’t matter, because inevitably the person I am will cease to be the person I was? I like to think that I will always be the child who found more use in breaking her toys because she derived more satisfaction in understanding the mechanics of it rather than accepting what she saw. My choices, experiences and path in life have branched from the core that was evident in the young girl that became the woman I am. I find more beauty in thinking that people are a culmination of experiences and growth than to think that one’s identity is fragile enough to succumb to them.
Thank you for reading this, Theo. I hope this gives more clarity on what our debate was about.
Hi Leah,
Thank you for writing so thoughtfully. I think between the two of us we have covered the interesting debate over what constitutes change very well. I'll leave it to other readers to weigh in. Hopefully they will.
All the best.
Theo
I was married for 30 yrs to a man who done his duty and provided but was emotionally absent and rarely intimate with me. He had affairs. He learned as a child that sex equated secrecy and was wrong/dirty. He lied a lot as a defence. He is now with a long term mistress - not his first - whom he also lied to for yrs. They do not live together and he is not pushing for divorce. Is it likely that now he has left the marriage he will remain a faithful, intimate and committed partner to her? He still
forms friendships with female co-workers which is how his affairs started. I suppose what I really want to know is if the real problem is that he was trapped in an unhappy marriage to me and that caused him to lie, have affairs, and avoid intimacy. Your insight would be much appreciated.
Hi Mary,
Thanks for the note.
No one's unhappy marriage causes them to do anything. No matter how unhappy you might be in a marriage, you are still responsible for your own choices.
He is making choices which may be based on conscious thought or unresolved unconsious issues. Either way, neither you or his mistress is causing him to make his choices.
He could choose to get help and deal with his issues rather than continue to use them to justify his poor and hurtful choices. Whether he does so or not is up to him, not you or anyone else. Will he be faithful now? That's entirely up to him?
I hope that helps.
Theo
Thank you so much for your prompt feedback Theo. I know that you are right and we are all responsible for our own choices and behaviour patterns. It has taken a lot a therapy and painful insight to accept that I chose to stay in such an unfulfilling relationship rather than rage, blame others, and continue to repeat the same old mistakes in hope of a different outcome.
I guess the only one I can change is me so I am trying to focus on my own life now. Even with the benefit of insight and determination it is hard not to fall back in to an unheathy default setting hard-wired in childhood.
My father used me to meet his own needs then switched his "affections" to my little sister when I was no longer able to - hence my own unhealthy sexuality and pattern of choosing rejecting and distant partners who prefer other women. Its not all about me.
I have certainly changed since my marriage broke down because I have had to. Its a work in progress.
Mary
Hi Mary,
Thank you for sharing such a personal and wise letter. I admire you for your courage and your willingness to get the help that you needed.
I'm sorry for the pain you've suffered. Know this though, people can do terrible things to you, but you can heal and rise above your past and your circumstances. You have nothing to be ashamed of from what your father did to you, and you are not broken or damaged for the rest of your life as some would have you believe. Your life, like everyone else's, is indeed a work in progress, but don't let anyone, from your past, present or future taint it or take it away from you. Your life is yours to keep, protect, and cherish. I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Theo
So me and my boyfriend ate getting married but for some reason i started thinking about the things in the past he has done like lie and tlk to girls. But Thats months ago and now he treats me like a queen. But why all the sudden am I thinking about things I put in the past? Could he really have changed and I'm just over thinking?
Hi Danielle,
I suspect that you are feeling more vulnerable with the marriage approaching. Your vulnerability would naturally lead you to worry more about being hurt. You'd be more likely in that state to be searching for danger signs.
Having said that, there's no way of me knowing whether your boyfriend has changed for good or if he's just on his best behaviour temporarily. It is possible that he has changed. How many of my ten change factors would you say apply to him? The more factors in play, the more likely the change is real. Why not have him read my article with you and see what he has to say?
The two of you could also read another of my Hubs, "How to Rebuild Trust". Read them together, have a non-attacking conversation, and you should get the answer you need. A "Red Flag" would be if he gets defensive, is unwilling to read them with you, and doesn't understand why you might be worried.
I hope this helps.
Take care.
Theo
Karabo 4 months ago
I want to change because i need to,i've been a bad wife n i need to change to turn my life around